Do you like Uni? So does Uni.
where ever i may roam
Once again, Omar is about to be houseless, and it’s once again time for him to get on like the Bedouin. But because I’m too poor to rent my own apartment, and I think I’m too cool to not live in a cool neighborhood, I’ve been checking ‘rooms for rent’ ads in Craigslist.
Now I realize that nobody actually wants to rent room out in their house. If any of us can afford it, we’d choose to not bring some random asshole into our home and we’d turn the old bedroom into a darkroom, or a guest room, or fill it with doll heads; anything but have some delusional person who thinks they’re too cool to live in a place they can afford, but are too poor to rent an apartment in a cool neighborhood so they have to come invade a perfectly happy home.
The point I’m trying to get across is that most likely the folks that I’m about to villainize are most likely perfectly nice people. But I feel recommending that people
“feel free to include pictures and other descriptions to set them apart from the large number of applicants”, and have “friends or family that can help you out if you’re short on bills” gave me this message:
“We not only want to make sure that you are white, but also that you come from a wealthy family.”
Although this seems a little tacky, I figured I would have been fine since:
1. I am somewhat racially ambigous looking, and
2. I am completely willing to lie to these assholes straight in the face about the total number of people just hanging out on the end of a phone waiting for me to ask them for seven or eight hundred dollars.
So even though I felt that I could put together a competitive application, I couldn’t help but respond like this:
Hello all,
I am a graduate student, and I am looking for a place to work and reside. While I find your house a reasonable and affordable option for me, I’m not the type of person that creates a mult-media slideshow to get an interview to rent a room in a house.
I apologize, but there will be no rich descriptions of the quality of my being/interests, or will there be an Indesigned photo-essay depicting my visage doing cool-spired activities. I will not abuse the ready availability of digital videography to assemble a highlight real, and I will not send you audio samples of bands that I used to be in; I would simply like to meet the housemates for a coffee and see if we think we’ll be a good match.
If the type of person that doesn’t do that, is by happenstance, actually the type of person you would all like to live with (and I think it may be), please get back to me. If not—good luck with the talent show. I do sincerely hope that you don’t end up with some future two-thousand teen Real World reject. Good night.
-Omar Jones
PS: I do quite enjoy cooking.
As usual, things are a bit behind at Camp Omar. So I’m just now posting a letter I wrote to Charlie Sheen back when he was in the news cycle.
In case you all have forgot who I’m talking about, it’s this guy:
So before you forget again, here is the letter:
Dear Charlie,
Now that your career as a washed up movie actor on tv has beeen trumped by your new career as a washed up tv actor who is on the internet, which has been replaced by an even newer career as a washed up internet personality who is not even on the internet anymore, I figured you could use some advice, but first an anecdote about you:
About ten years ago I remember seeing you on an SNL skit, little Carlos Irwin Estévez, where you were on a fake commercial for a rehab clinic doing a talking head scene about how you had hit rock bottom. You said something like “I used to be a big deal, going to awesome parties, sleeping with super models, now the other day, I woke up in my hotel room, and I the girl next to me wasn’t a supermodel. She was just a regular model!”
So here goes, I think you’re major mistake is not realizing that losing looks a lot like winning when you’re a millionaire. You should just be thankful that for you, rock bottom is hanging around your house with a second-tier porn star and a pot model, while for most of us rock bottom is not being able to beg enough quarters to get into the jack shack at the sex shop so we can watch videos of the girls you live with. It may seem awesome Charlie, but trust Omar, your life is sort of in the shitter.
Remember when you were in Major League? I’m not going to double check but I’m pretty sure that movie was about a minor league pitcher who moved up into the Majors and then won or lost or something. Right now you are that same player, and you’re in the big leagues. And you are not winning in your league. People like George Clooney and Colin Firth are winning in your league. You’re batting zero and hanging out at the Applebee’s in Wisconsin trying to impress the bartender.
The good new is that you’re life is getting better That show sucked, who cares how much you got paid. You’ve been rich since Martin Sheen didn’t decide to have you aborted. Two and a Half Men was a shitty show, TV has been getting better overall and you’re on one of the few shows trying to eek out the ninities glory years. Community is a good tv show. Unfortunately for you, culturally speaking, the guy from the E channel’s The Soup is stomping your ass.
But don’t worry. It’s not too late. I have faith in you. You are ripe for a late career comeback like an overweight John Travolta in the early nineties. Or an over old Chevy Chase right now. You can do better. So in numbered order here are seven things that may help, listed in order of importance:
1. For God sake stop going on TV, or Ustream. Seeing you in bad lighting is not helping anybody.
2. Keep the Goddesses around if you can, they seem to like you and you’re probably not going to do any better since you’re getting pretty weird looking.
3. Do less blow and smoke more weed.
4. Don’t produce or direct your own anything. Please.
5. Get a job on a show or a movie that doesn’t suck.
6. Don’t fuck it up.
7. Try to get Emilio to do more stuff, we still all really like him.
And remember, if all else fails, you’re still stinking fucking rich! Just go to Mexico and start a cult or something! It doesn’t matter! Just try to remember advice tip number 1, ok?
Sincerely,
Omar ‘Effin’ Jones
